A few years ago I was working on a multi-year project at my unspecified job. We had a good programmer, named Dave. Dave was responsible for giant portions of an exceedingly complicated series of intertwined SAS, Access, & whoknowswhatelse programs. Then Dave got a better job. In his absence, our main programming support would be Stan, Dave's supervisor. Stan was an idiot. I'm sure Stan still is an idiot. I hate Stan. He's not just an idiot, he's also a leering sexist slimeball. And useless as a programmer, because he's actually management and doesn't have much recent hands-on experience. I could go on. And I will, but that's enough background, I think. Stan is bad.
This is part of an email I sent to my boss & a few friends. This was Dave's last day at the company, so he was trying to make sure we had everything we needed to carry on without him, including documentation and notes and troubleshooting guides and so forth. My boss already hated Stan, so this was just for her entertainment. Bear in mind, this happened during Dave's last few hours at the company, during which I was also frantically trying to get the monthly data delivery together. But apparently Stan felt that some things were too important to table till later...
It's only a matter of time before I give in to the urge to slap Stan...Dave put together some nifty documentation in binders of how to do all the monthly data delivery steps, and how the system works, and so on, and this is the conversation Stan & I keep having about them:
Stan: It would be good to make some copies of those binders [of documentation, etc.] Dave made.
Me: Yes, definitely, we'll have a couple of copies made.
Stan: I would really like to have a copy of those binders.
Me: ...Yes, when we have the copies made, I will send you a set.
[brief pause]
Stan: It would probably be good to number the pages first. So that we're sure the copies are identical.
Me: Uh-huh. [Trying to be as obvious as possible about the fact that I'm a little busy.]
Stan: I just think numbering the pages is a good idea. Can you get someone to number the pages?
Me: Yes, yes, I agree, I'll have someone number the pages.
Stan: And then you'll have the copies made with the numbered pages, right? So when is that going to be done?
Me: [through gritted teeth] Well, seeing as I'm doing the DELIVERY right now, I'd kind of like to keep the one on the DELIVERY process handy for a few days, so the copies probably won't get made till next week. And since Dave has to finish printing out a few things for the other one, and since we don't want to start NUMBERING THE PAGES until it's all put together, you might have to wait a few days for that one as well. But since the odds are that we won't need to do [the tasks described in the documentation] in the next 24 hours, I figure you can probably cope with the delay. Is that all right?
[Stan nods but you can tell he isn't really happy about waiting]
[another pause]
Stan: I'd like to have covers for the binders also. And maybe also for the spines. Something to identify them.
Me: [unable to open my mouth without screaming, I merely nod]
Stan: I could make covers if you want, or you could make covers... I think they should look the same.
Me: ...I'll make covers for them. [thinking: I'll decorate them with an elaborate photo-collage. I'll handprint numbers on the pages. Whatever you want. Just SHUT UP AND GO AWAY.]
Stan: ...I usually use the same peach color for the covers of all my notebooks for this project, that's just my system, whatever you want to do of course, but it would be nice if it was all the same.
That was about the end of it. The rest of my email explained that I just wanted it on record that I warned them when something went Terribly Wrong and Stan proved to be completely useless. I was assured that I would be allowed to chant, "I told you so!" when this occurred.
