By way of introduction/explanation/apology, this was written at Johanna's request. Or maybe "challenge"is a better word. "Dare" wouldn't be entirely wrong, either. Sorry about the lame last line. And no, I don't consider parodies to be fanfic.

SCENE I

[Commander] Buffy, [Captain] Spike, [Minbari Ambassador] Drusilla, [Chief of Security] Xander, and Giles are seated around the table in the War Room.

XANDER: I don't know why we're even listening to this guy. Every time he comes, he brings trouble. We can't trust him. Just looking at that NightWatcher armband on his arm gives me serious heebie-jeebies.

GILES: I assure you I am only here to help. We may have had our differences in the past, but we are at least agreed that this station is necessary. When I learned that this place and everyone on it was-

BUFFY: --was in terrible danger from an unknown menace, blah blah blah. We've heard this before. We only let you on board because the Captain felt we owed you one more chance.

SPIKE: Chance to entertain us, that is. God, I'm so bloody BORED here, you can see what fun this lot is. Always SO serious. Dru and I have to go into Downbelow just to find someone to have a decent meal with.

DRU: ...Or of.

SPIKE: Yeah, that's true too. And Dru can't eat just anyone. Do you know how hard it is to find a Minbari in downbelow? They think they're too good to sleep in dustbins. Lucky thing that, as ambassador, Dru gets an attache or she'd starve to death. And he's starting to look awfully peaky.

XANDER: [aside to BUFFY] Explain to me again how Spike became captain?

BUFFY: Earthforce seemed to feel that it was better to have him out here on the edge of known space than running around planetside.

XANDER: Oh yeah ...better for who?

GILES: If I could interrupt this fascinating discussion, I believe we were talking about a problem other than the fact that Earthforce is infested with vampires.

BUFFY: Yeah, yeah. So there's unspeakable evil coming here, and if we don't stop it the station will be destroyed. Sounds like a typical weekend to me. Don't suppose you could give us something slightly more helpful? A time, a name... something to look for?

GILES: I, uh, I'm sorry. I need to do more research. Perhaps if I had some help...?

XANDER: An all-nighter digging through your data crystals of obscure and boring knowledge? Just call me mister thrilled with life.

GILES: ...I'd rather not, thank you.

BUFFY: While you guys put the "night" back in NightWatcher, I'll talk to one of the usual suspects.

SCENE II

Willow's quarters. Buffy enters and finds Willow seated on the bed, which is the only furniture in the room.

BUFFY: Ooo, redecorating?

WILLOW: I had to get rid of everything. Even my fishies.

BUFFY: Why? Wait, don't tell me, the Vorlon didn't like the little castle?

WILLOW: [Nods.] I expect weirdness from a Vorlon, but the new ambassador is like a super-extra-weird sundae with little weirdness sprinkles on top.

BUFFY: At least your skill with a metaphor hasn't deserted you. So, heard about any unspeakable menaces threatening the station lately?

WILLOW: Um, only the usual ones, what's up?

BUFFY: Giles dropped in. I thought maybe the Vorlons had heard something about it, and they'd maybe mentioned it in casual conversation which you might have overheard.

WILLOW: The Vorlons aren't really into casual conversation. And the last time I tried to eavesdrop they gave me a big ol' mindful of frogs.

[WILLOW shudders]

SCENE III

Xander's office. He and Giles are pouring over data crystals.

GILES: ..So the prophecies of Valen speak of "The Deadly Four, and you shall know them by the emptiness they offer, and they will aspire to the stars to bring suffering to their enemies. And only the hidden one may stop them."

XANDER: Well, that clears everything up! Can I go to sleep now?

SCENE IV

BUFFY's quarters. She is asleep in bed. A hand reaches out and strokes her hair. She opens her eyes, startled.

ANGEL: Sorry to wake you, but I bring urgent news from the rangers.

BUFFY: Swell, ranger news. Someone been stealing their picnic baskets? How'd you get in here anyway?

ANGEL: Through the window.

BUFFY: Right... Um, aren't we in space? Doesn't the window lead to a whole lot of nothing to breathe?

ANGEL: A little trick I picked up in ranger training.

BUFFY: Mmm-hmm. As long as you don't show me your fighting stick again. Last time you did that I had to send you straight to Z'ha'dum. So what's the news?

ANGEL: I take it you've heard about the nameless menace?

BUFFY: Yeah, we've started calling it "Pokey," so it's sort of a nicknamed menace now.

ANGEL: Whatever you call it, it's about to arrive. And you've got to stop it before it consumes us all.

SCENE V

BUFFY and XANDER are hiding behind one of the stands in the otherwise-deserted Zocalo. They whisper to each other.

BUFFY: So after Angel told me when it was arriving and how we could stop it, I set up this ambush.

XANDER: Was that right after Angel told you?

BUFFY: Huh?

XANDER: I mean, you left to go do ambushing things, right, there was no further talking or touching or other communication and -- you didn't give him a happy or anything, right?

BUFFY glares at XANDER. Just then they are distracted by the sight of a figure moving through the shadows. BUFFY hits a switch and suddenly the floodlights come on. A hood & cloak conceal the mysterious figure who stands, frozen, as BUFFY and XANDER step out from their hiding place.

XANDER: So, if it isn't mister menacy guy. Hi there, we're the heroes. And I think I speak for all of us when I say: "Ha!" So who are you, anyway?

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: You cannot stop me. My powers grow each day, and most particularly each Wednesday. Do your worst.

BUFFY: 'Kay. [calls offscreen] You're up, kid.

WILLOW walks out, her eyes doing that all-black creepy thing. She concentrates on the figure.

WILLOW: Who... are... you...?

XANDER: [to Buffy] I am up to here with that particular question, y'know? I've gotta have ID to have a simple conversation. It's worse than being carded.

[BUFFY nods in agreement.]

As WILLOW continues to concentrate, a wind seems to blow around the figure. Suddenly the cloak flies away revealing a young man, who glares at them with an expression that is probably meant to be fury. WILLOW reels back in terror.

WILLOW: Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. This is bad. It's... it's....

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: My name is Dawson. I think you've heard of my creek?

WILLOW faints, falling to the floor in front of XANDER, who completely fails to catch her.

XANDER: [looking down at her] Oopsie.

DAWSON: So, you've found out who I am. Congratulations. But how do you propose to stop me? It looks like a mere telepath is no match for me.

BUFFY: I think once she recovers from the sight of your haircut she'll be fine.

DAWSON: I'll ignore that, considering you appear to have visited the Martian Hair Cuttery.

BUFFY: That's it, you're toast.

[she lunges at DAWSON]

XANDER grabs BUFFY by the shoulders and tries to pull her back.

XANDER: You can't go hand to hand with this guy! You're no match for him. He's got a sweater vest on, for god's sake!

DAWSON: Can't we just skip to the bit where you cower before me? Or am I going to have give you my soulful look?

XANDER cries out in terror while BUFFY continues struggling to get to DAWSON.

DAWSON laughs triumphantly.

BUFFY: [stops fighting and smiles] Think again Duh-son.

DAWSON: That's "Dawson."

BUFFY: I think my version's better. Look behind you.

XANDER: Buffy, speaking as your friend, that's lame. [looks up] Unless of course there is someone behind him. Like, oh, look, the Vorlon!

DAWSON turns around to see a VORLON (in encounter suit) behind him. He gulps.

VORLON: Brrrrrrrrsqeakbeepbuzzzzzz **Go. Now.** Buzzzzzzbeepsqueakbrrrrrr.

DAWSON: And why should I?

VORLON: Tweeeeeeeeboowheeepabzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The encounter suit begins to open (still buzzing). The head lifts up and the sides fold back as a bright figure emerges from inside.

CORDELIA: God, that thing is SO annoying. Do you have any idea what being cooped up in there does to my hair? I'm sorry, but I am not wearing it any more, I don't care if the ambassadors are always starting wars to impress me, that's not my problem. The incognito thing just bites. [she turns to kick the suit, which finally stops buzzing] Stupid thing. Who thought fashion by Radio Shack was a good idea?

DAWSON: But out of your protective suit, you are vulnerable to my attack!

DAWSON gives CORDELIA an intensely soulful look. CORDELIA sneers at him.

CORDELIA: What. Ever. Why don't you go back to your pathetic town and your loser friends and come back here when you've come out of your proto-yuppie film-geek cocoon, okay? Gawd. I think we've already exceeded the loser quota for the station anyway. If we need people for a remake of Pigs in Space, we'll call you.

DAWSON runs away crying.

XANDER: Ouch. And here we thought the suit was to protect the Vorlon from us.

CORDELIA: [notices WILLOW lying on the floor] What happened to her? Did he have a frog or something? Oh well, I've been in that suit for 2 years, and I'm not going to be seen sharing with you two freaks when there are people of coolness to see.

As she leaves, XANDER calls after her: Hey Cordy! Why don't you introduce yourself to the captain? I hear he loves your type!