Okay, these are my thoughts during the Academy Awards. And, frequently, Johanna's thoughts. As you will see, Johanna and I called each other during most of the commercials. Although the first bit is from before the show even started. Actually, I called her to find out if she'd be online during the show, because I figured then I could just IM her and keep a log, and then I wouldn't have to type so much. But my laziness was thwarted. So these transcripts of our phone chats may be slightly inaccurate. For instance, Johanna may not, technically, exist. Anyway.

Johanna: Did you see what Paul McCartney's girlfriend was wearing?

Strega: Maybe it was something his daughter designed.

Johanna: Omigod, maybe that was his daughter!

Tom Cruise is such an Average Guy, he buys his suits off the rack. And forgets to shave. First Sept. 11 mention. "More than ever." Oh, how utterly tacky. That whole intro was embarrassing. First montage! "I'd rather go to a mediocre movie than a good play." Oh. My. Head. So is the point of this montage to make movie stars seem smart by comparison? Oh wait, someone mentioned The Tingler. That guy's okay. And is Donald Sutherland the announcer? That can't be, right? It does sound like him, though. Whoopi's first costume. Russell Crowe's chick seems continually amazed that sometimes, people open their mouths and sounds come out. First joke about confusing movies (Mulholland Drive).

Hey! It is Donald Sutherland! And Glenn Close, too! Holy crap, that's strange.

Johanna: When Tom Cruise was giving his little speech -- that was horrible, and also, he sounded like Dawson.

Strega: I just wrote something about what the point of the montage --

Johanna: That was a montage? Or was it a documentary?

Strega: Oh, it was definitely a montage.

Johanna: I think they said it was a documentary.

Strega: But it was still a montage. And I thought he was kidding.

Johanna: He didn't say it like he was kidding.

Strega: But those weren't, like, average people! What's it a documentary of? It was a montage.

Second costume for Whoopi.

Strega: Seriously, aren't Close & Sutherland the actual hosts, and Whoopi is just an occasional presenter?

Johanna: It seems like it. It also seems like Close is saying all of the lines that Sutherland won't say. Like, Sutherland says "No way will I plug Radio Shack," and so Close gets those parts.

Strega: That guy? The makeup guy for Fellowship of the Ring? And his coat?

Johanna: His costume was strange.

Strega: He was funny, though. And so was his coat.

Johanna: Russell Crowe gets to molest everyone on their way to the stage.

Strega: I know! I wonder if they sat him on the end there so he would get to talk to different people as they walked up to the stage.

Johanna: Everyone who walks up on that side, at least.

Strega: I wonder if that's why he's over on the side like that. He's like a rambunctious kid who they have to put in the corner. "We'll put you over here, and if you behave yourself sometimes people will come by and you can talk to them." Oh, Kelly came over last night, and we caught most of the IFC awards or whatever they are.

Johanna: ...The Independent Spirit Awards?

Strega: Yeah. Memento got a couple of awards.

Johanna: That's good.

Strega: I was happy. Christopher Nolan was really British -- he went up to get the award for best screenplay or something, and was --

Johanna: Do they divide it up like best first screenplay or something like that?

Strega: Yeah, they had --

[Owen Wilson walks out on stage. Johanna loves him and his crazy nose.]

Johanna: I gotta go.

Whoopi in the same costume. Second Sept. 11 reference. Hey: Woody Allen. Shouldn't he be saxophoning somewhere? Third Sept. 11 reference. And a montage! My estimates may have been much too low.

Strega: So Christopher Nolan went up and read his speech, which was really nice but he was very restrained about it because he's British. And then later he won another -- I think they got Best Picture -- and he went up and looked stunned and said, "I already read my speech. I never thought I'd win two." It was very cute.

Johanna: Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe were really cute together.

Strega: They were. And they were funny. Even though Reese looks weird in close-up. Her chin is so teeny.

Johanna: It does look very sharp. Jennifer Connolly's speech was good.

Strega: Yeah. Although I wish she'd said "You have no power over me."

Johanna: "Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here..."*

Strega: Hee! That would actually make a good speech. Did Uma Thurman forget how tall she was when she bought her dress? She's kind of exploding out of the top of it.

*Johanna has the Labyrinth speech memorized. Geek.

Whoopi's third costume. I'm not counting the Best Picture montages in the montage count, because they're obligatory. Oh, but this montage of documentary bits does count. Third montage! Why is "Let it Be" playing? Does that make sense? Is it just because McCartney is in the audience?

Strega: Why couldn't Cameron Diaz brush her hair?

Johanna: I saw her on the red-carpet thing and wondered if she owned a mirror. She had to have done that herself, right?

Strega: Or an enemy said, "Oh let me do it, hon!"

Johanna: Are those people backstage...

Strega: The clowns and contortionists?

Johanna: Yeah.

Strega: They're from... um... Cirque de Soleil.

Johanna: Are they just there to entertain people backstage?

Strega: They'll be on the show later. They're not just there to menace people backstage.

Johanna: I was wondering.

Strega: I know; at that first commercial break there was a shot of Jennifer Connelly surrounded by them, looking terrified.

Johanna: When that guy was talking about Martin Luther King, the guy standing next to him had the strangest expression on his face. I wonder if Russell Crowe was giving him a thumbs-up.

Strega: Or blowing kisses to him. Or maybe he was doing that Chevy Chase thing and making faces while the other guy was talking. Someday, when we have the technology, we'll be able to pick people in the audience to watch in a little picture-in-picture box.

Johanna: Yeah, like you can pick the camera angle!

Strega: And Russell Crowe's camera will show him leaning over every ten minutes to say, "I'm gonna go out for a cigarette."

[show starts again]

Johanna: I'll talk to you later.

Strega: Oh, wait! Y'know, it's a lot harder to predict who will win the documentary categories when none of them mention Nazis in the title.

Johanna: I know! There wasn't one about the Holocaust. I think I went with the one that mentioned kids.

The spokeswoman for the Moulin Rouge costume & design people is really pretty. I love her dress and it suits her wonderfully and she's cool. Yeay for her. Whoopi's fourth dress. God, Halle Berry has a tiny little waist. I like her dress. Another September 11th reference. I wish they wouldn't show Ian McKellan in such close-up that you can't see his boyfriend. Grr. Hey! And he didn't win, either. What a rip-off.

Strega: Is watching Cirque De Soleil better or worse than a musical number?

Johanna: I don't know. This is very strange.

Strega: And can I count that montage in the background?

Johanna: Can you count Whoopi's Hobbit-feet as a costume change?

Strega: I was trying to decide that! I don't think I can. And I think you're right. The thing at the start of the show wasn't clips from different movies, so it's still not a montage.

Johanna: But can you count this?

Strega: I don't know. I don't think I can. I mean, it is a montage, but we aren't really watching it because we have to watch the people bouncing around. So I guess not.

Johanna: The Best Supporting Actor was a big upset.

Strega: I know! I can't believe that. Who saw Iris?

Another costume change.

Strega: Poor Donald Sutherland. I wonder if Kiefer will burst in and rescue him.

Johanna: Maybe he's enjoying himself. Denzel Washington was looking at me.

Strega: With love?

Johanna: I don't know, it was inscrutable. But he was definitely looking at me.

Strega: Did you see Russell Crowe looking around when Sidney Poitier came out? He was totally checking out the audience behind him. I think he's decided that he's the awards cop. Like, if he'd spotted someone who wasn't standing up, he'd go punch them and say "Show some respect, you asshole!

Johanna: This is something that I noticed: Jack Nicholson wasn't there. That's gonna take seven minutes off the show by itself, because we won't cut to see what he's doing all the time.

[During the best song medley, we discuss Kate & Leopold, which I haven't seen.]

Johanna: This movie was offensive.

Strega: How so? I mean, besides Meg Ryan.

Johanna: Well, it was her mostly. Okay, I'm gonna spoil the movie for you. At the end she goes back in time to be with him. So she has to go back in time and lose the right to vote. She's this executive who's doing really well in her career and of course that's not fulfilling, so she goes back to this time where she's not allowed to have opinions and that's the happy ending.

Strega: Wow. That's pretty bad. I hate the way they always announce the Foreign Film Oscar as if it's being given to the country. Like, "This is Norway's third award." Like the whole the country helped make the movie.

Johanna: Well, it's a very small country. Maybe they did.

Strega: It sounds idiotic. Especially when it's like, "France has been nominated for an award three times." Well, no, thecountry isn't nominated.

[winner is announced]

Strega: See? "This is Bosnia's first Academy Award." Stupid.

September 11th mention. And moment of silence. And a dead people montage.

Strega: Another costume change!

Johanna: No, that's the same dress.

Strega: Isn't the collar different?

Johanna: No. It's the same dress. I think it's been the same dress with different wraps over it.

Strega: Oh. I guess I wasn't used to seeing the sleeves. Damn. All my guesses are going to be wrong. She hasn't done any stupid political jokes, either.

Johanna: There was something about mud-slinging at the start.

Strega: Yeah, but that wasn't about politics. There haven't even been any SAG election jokes. And there is no way in hell they'll finish on time. Wait...

Johanna: What time is it supposed to end?

Strega: That's what I was just looking at. It's already running over. It started at 8:30, it's 11:45. Damn, I should have inflated my guess. They've been getting better the past couple years so I thought going a half-hour over was about right.

Johanna: I think there are only four left.

Strega: Wait, they still have an honorary award.

Johanna: For who?

Strega: Robert Redford. This isn't going to be over before 12:30. Hee hee!

Johanna: How can that be? They shouldn't have done that medley of best scores. That was stupid.

Strega: And boring.

Redford Montage. Hey, Johanna's boyfriend! Russell Crowe, not Robert Redford. Aw, Halle Berry is in shock. And Russell Crowe is taking his time hugging her. Aw. Hm, she needs to calm down or this will go from endearing to embarrassing. Um. Well. I'm not sure declaring your place in history is a good idea. Even if you're right, you sound bad. Oh, dear. Did she have to say "flow?" Time to shut up, Halle. Hey, is that Eric Stoltz in the audience? And no love for Billy Bob?

Johanna: Do you think Russell Crowe slipped her his phone number on the envelope?

Strega: Yes! He was hugging her for a while.

Johanna: I think he was giving her advice. Also, when she was having a little trouble getting up the stairs, she was right in front of where he was, and I think he was wishing he could be in two places at once. "Damn, if I was down there, I could help her!"

Psst, Whoopi? The show is now 45 minutes over. This might not be the best time for extemporaneous remarks. Especially if they aren't funny and are actually somewhat offensive. Boy, poor Jennifer Connelly looks like she wishes she were dead. And Julia Roberts' great big armpit slits are not attractive. Ha! The shot of Russell Crowe was funny because you could see Ron Howard right behind him, cracking up at how Crowe was trying to look cheerful. This is it -- set your tapes! Denzel won! And Russell looks okay with it. Still, somebody's gonna get beat up later. Denzel is so cool. Why does Ethan Hawke have a big bruise on his cheek? I've already made too many Russell Crowe jokes to bother with the obvious explanation. ("And this [POW] is for making Denzel look even better than usual!")

Strega: Russell behaved himself very well.

Johanna: I don't know. Did you hear someone shouting during Denzel's speech?

Strega: No...

Johanna: There was some shouting and Denzel looked a little distracted for a minute. So I was thinking someone might have clapped Russell Crowe on the shoulder supportively and he screamed, "Don't freaking touch me!" But maybe that was all in my head.

Strega: Yeah, I didn't notice that.

One more costume from Whoopi, and one more September 11th reference, and we're out. Roll credits, pause to wonder what Carrie Fisher wrote, and the show is officially over at... 12:47. Yawn. And it is now that I remember I have clothes in the drier. Crap.

Postscript:

On the news this morning (can't remember what channel) I heard someone say that the only time that the whole theater was quiet was when Halle Berry went up to accept her Oscar. Yeah, that was the only time everyone was quiet...except for the actual moment of silence. Sheesh.

I guessed 9 of the 24 winners, although mostly in the technical categories. A few of my predictions were close, at least by my count: 4 montages instead of 5, and 6 costume changes instead of 7. And I do believe there were, as I predicted, exactly 6 tearful September 11th references. I think I was completely wrong about everything else, but hey, this isn't an exact science.